A Pory (poem story) by Tawanna M. Johnson
I often wonder what brings about doubt,
Is it fear, forgetfulness, or hesitation that won't move out?
All three are complex and won't let me be,
Doubt lingers around and won't set me free.
Throughout the day, in every way,
Doubt creeps in my mind and my spirit,
To such a degree that,
I wish I could bundle it up and cast it out to the sea.
I wake up early, start my routine,
Get ready for work like a machine.
But the doubts remain, they don't subside,
I wish I could push them aside to maintain.
Driving to work, I think to myself,
Did I leave my work keys on the shelf?
Did I tell my daughter, "I love you"; and "Have a good day?"
Should I have quizzed her once more,
To ensure confidence for her test today?
Did I obey my mother,
And hear the things that she was trying to say?
Arrive to work, sit at my desk,
Think to myself, did you lock your car door?
Check, send, and receive emails,
Aw, heck, was I polite and professional at best?
My day is full of meeting,
With grieving families to arrange funeral services,
If I'm honest, sometimes I get nervous.
Should I be? This is my purpose.
Walking them to the door at the end of the conference.
The family is thankful and grateful,
Hearing this boosted my confidence.
If they only knew, doubt would be out and about.
Or if I had a dollar for every doubt,
I could grow my savings account.
Although externally, it doesn’t show.
I’m always questioning myself on the low.
Was I clear with what I spoke about,
Did I introduce myself at the beginning or say “Hello”?
Did I show confidence and grace,
And make them feel welcome in this place?
Did I offer live streaming,
Or answer every question with clarity,
Which is necessary.
These thoughts keep me up at night,
Wondering if I did everything right.
For lunch, do I want a sandwich and chips,
Or a slice of cheese pizza to munch?
Did I use the right tone or give good advice to a co-worker?
Did my feedback support her?
Did I answer and return calls without delay,
And prayed this morning before I started my day?
Maybe I should pray that the good Lord will take the doubt away,
Maybe my hair will stop turning grey.
But wait in its absence,
Please replace it with a healthy balance of wisdom and certainty.
Wisdom to know and trust that doubt births fear and uncertainty.
It likes to appear and bend your ear,
Sometimes, interfering with your motherhood,
Your friendships, and your career.
Wisdom to know that doubt is,
The realization that I must take heed,
Slow down my pace and be present indeed,
Instead of always thinking and acting ahead,
I'll embrace the moments instead.
Wisdom to know that doubt can show up as frequent hesitation,
When it seems like I don’t have all the information.
Doubt can come from negative personal experiences,
Or outside noise as the foundation.
While waiting for my prayer to be answered,
To relieve this frustration.
I’ve learned to embrace doubt, not wish it out.
By welcoming doubt, I've grown without a doubt,
Intellectually, resiliently, and remained humble throughout.
Guess what!?
Sometimes, I still have bouts of doubt.
But I don’t let that re-route my confidence or take offense.
For I now know that doubt tried to derail me,
But instead, it propelled a new me.
Commencing introspection and self-reflection
Just between us, the moral to this pory is….
Confront your thoughts surrounding your weaknesses.
Make them a part of your uniqueness.
This will permit growth, which is a plus.
With newfound confidence,
To tackle the day, which is a must.
💙