Little One in the Lounge

written by Calvin M. Amato

In a somber and near-silent lounge within the funeral home, a lone child sits, sometimes

surrounded by crayons scattered across a small table, yet more often than not, with nothing at all to occupy their curious and inquisitive mind. The air is thick with unanswered questions and unacknowledged emotions. Beyond a closed door to the room, the hushed murmuring of adults filter in, a gentle symphony of shared sorrow, laughter, and love that seems to reverberate around the decedent. In these emotional moments, families gather to mourn the loss of a loved one, celebrate their life, and remember the legacy they've left behind. Yet, it's not uncommon to find children, our most innocent and impressionable members, relegated to the sidelines, their curiosity silenced and emotions dismissed.

As a funeral director-in-training and death doula, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing this scene unfold time and time again, but I'm convinced that there's a more compassionate and inclusive way. Imagine the transformative power of inviting our children into the heart of these poignant moments, acknowledging their emotions, and offering them a front-row seat to the sacred circle of grief and remembrance. By fostering a supportive environment where our youngest family members are encouraged to engage in these rituals, we not only create a foundation of understanding and resilience, but we also tap into their innate wisdom, empathy, and love— elements that can profoundly enrich our shared experiences of loss and celebration.

In the face of grief, the instinct to shield our children from the raw emotions that accompany a funeral can be overwhelming. After all, we long to spare them the heartache that we, as adults, feel so deeply. Parents often voice their concerns with heartfelt intentions: "They're too young," "It's too much for them," or "We can't expose them to grief at such a tender age."

However, these genuine fears can unintentionally deny children the opportunity to understand and process the very real emotions that they are experiencing, as well. Research has shown that even the youngest children, as early as three years old, have the capacity to understand the concept of death—albeit in a more concrete, rather than abstract, manner.

By excluding them from the funeral process, we risk leaving their questions unanswered, their emotions unacknowledged, and their voices unheard. On the other hand, when we invite children into our shared grief, we create a safe space for them to express their thoughts and feelings, ask questions, and begin to make sense of the complexities of life and death.

Including children in funerals communicates that their emotions are valid and that they, too, have a right to mourn and remember the loved one they've lost. By embracing their innate empathy, resilience, and curiosity, we can guide them through the journey of grief with love and compassion, fostering a deeper understanding of life's most challenging moments.

It's crucial to remember that children, just like adults, form bonds with the people in their lives. When they experience the loss of a loved one, they grieve, even if they may not have the words to express it. By keeping them from the funeral, we may unintentionally send the message that their emotions are unimportant or even invalid.

Involving children in the funeral process offers them a chance to participate in the grieving process alongside their family and loved ones. Whether they choose to draw a picture for the deceased, share a memory during the service, or simply observe and absorb the emotions around them, their presence can be incredibly powerful.

For parents and caregivers, it's essential to have open and honest conversations with your children about death and the purpose of funerals. Be prepared to answer their questions, address any fears or concerns, and reassure them that a range of emotions is normal and expected. Additionally, it can be beneficial to involve children in the decision-making process, allowing them to have a say in aspects of the service that feel meaningful to them. This might include choosing a special reading, selecting music, or creating artwork to display during the service. By granting them a sense of agency, we empower children to navigate their grief and foster a deeper connection to their loved one's memory.

Funeral directors can also play a pivotal role in supporting children throughout the process. We can offer designated quiet spaces within the funeral home, provide age-appropriate grief workshops, involve them with service by lighting candles and setting flowers, or encourage families to allow their participation, thereby helping to create a comfortable and welcoming

environment.

In my own life, I had firsthand experience with the positive impact of involving children in funerals. As a child, I would often accompany my dad to services, sometimes for people I didn't know. Through this exposure, I developed a deep appreciation for the work of funeral directors and their compassionate support for families during their time of loss. This experience ultimately inspired me to pursue a career in funeral service, and it's a testament to the potential power of early involvement in this field.

By welcoming children into the funeral process, we not only help them understand and navigate their own emotions, but we also may plant the seeds for future generations of empathetic and dedicated funeral professionals. By fostering this understanding and appreciation early on, we can ensure that the vital work of honoring loved ones and supporting families continues to be carried out with compassion and care. Involving children in funerals is an important step toward fostering their emotional well-being and resilience in the face of loss. Through open communication, thoughtful preparation, and collaborative efforts between parents, caregivers, and funeral directors, we can create a supportive environment where children can feel included, understood, and valued as they embark on their personal journey through grief.

Together, we can create a new narrative around death that acknowledges the importance of

involving our youngest family members and empowers them to embrace the full spectrum of

human emotions. By doing so, we not only honor the lives of those who have passed, but also pave the way for a more compassionate and connected future.